a new week a new living room a new hair cut and some new hope

well. Last weekend was really hard. Last year was really hard actually...

But things are getting better. I mean really.. they have to huh?

My amazing husband just finished remodeling our living room... or actually almost finished.. there are just the decorative touches left to be done and he is amazing at that stuff.

I"m so happy with my new living room... we have couches and a nice rug and nice bright white toned walls.. so much nicer. And we need it!!! We have so much waiting to do and it is great to finally be able to do that comfortably!!

Last sunday night we sat down after a tough weekend.. M from working on the living room nonstop and me from sitting around in tears just depressed that I truely felt like I had no reason to get up or do anything at all since i had no baby relying on me to do .. well, anything! M, being the amazing guy he is, suggested that we start living again. Lets start doing things we CAN do because we don't have children relying on us. Things like go to NYC for a day or a weekend. Things like get massages or other spa stuff that we won't later be able to justify the time or the cost of doing! I don't want to do these things. I want to be a mom. I want to stay home and stare at my child day and night nonstop. But I don't have a child. We do have a dog though. An amazing dog who seems to think he's a child himself:) Thank goodness for him... although if it were not for him we would probably take off for Bermuda. Oh well.... worse things in life then staying home with a puppy that loves you more than life itself. And we love him that much too!!!

Anyhow.. this week we did it! We went for massages together and then for pizza dinner out and it was wonderful! WHile I was laying there getting my massage, i realized that I like massages lol! And I like relaxing. I decided that I would get my nails done soon too. I got my hair cut and colored the next day and my nails done the day after that.. i actually feel pretty again and it is wonderful!!!

I'm starting to feel more myself again. And I've missed that.

Also, I have to say I can't take credit for all of this. It may be because I feel better and look better.. but we also have applied to be viewed by another birthmom. That is so exciting. I really don't feel very much like she is going to chose us. And if she does.. i doubt it will happen. She will most likely end up parenting, just like our last two matches. From what i have read and been told this young lady is really just quite amazing. We would just be so lucky to be matched with her. She wants visits with the child through out her (yes.. a baby girl!!) life though. I am actually honest to goodness okay with that. It would be great.. the more support and love my child gets the better in my book. But I'm afraid that she will worry about the fact that she lives in a state that we do not live in.

Visits are surely still possible but until i get to know her and know how much we can afford to spend on travel, i just can't garuntee how much. I have a feeling once we've met I will want to see her every month though.. just a feeling..

who knows. We haven't heard yet though if she has chosen us. And i think if she had chosen us that we would have heard from someone this weekend. So I"m kind of sad. to say the very least...

but til i get that 'no' i'm still so hopefull.. and rambling.

Okay, i"m going to relax and have some coffee now.. I thought i'd have written more by now but just didnt know where to start.. i guess i'll skip the past and just go forward from here on this blog.

more later!

where to start? what a mess.

Well; we TTC for at least a year the old fashioned way, with help from all kinds of sticks to pee on, books to read, and sites to obsess over.. oh and temps to take and so many other things i"ve blocked from my memory.After a year and change we went back to our doc's who had told us not to worry adn keep trying.. this time they did some preliminary testing. Long story short, we first found that DH could have a sperm count problem and that my tubes are blocked. No idea why, but not fixable. But given our age and science, we'd be great prospects for IVF with ICSI if needed. So we were devistated. We couldnt afford it and were saddedned that we wouldn't have a romantic and happy memory of conception. It would be expensive, painful and highly medical. Yuck. We thought thigns couldn't get worse. Well; I got my wish. A month or more later we walked away from the last of the doctors appoitnments for our fertility. We found out that DH produces no sperm whatsoever. So we could do donor routes but they too would be pricey and painful and whatnot due to my own fertility issues.We didnt waste a second on even considering that at that point and said good bye to doctors. We contacted catholic charities and were home study approved by the end of this past summer. My husband and I had always wanted to adopt a child.. but figured we would have two bio children then adopt a third later on. We had no idea what actually went into any of that thouhg.. clearly, and luckily too i guess because i would have been pretty put off by it all if i had any idea what kind of business the adoption world is, when we really were just looking to do good and have a large happy family. (yeah.. three children is large to me lol...)... anyhow... Here's a start at a "diary" of sorts I have began..Well; we have now survived two failed matches. I cannot believe how strong I've found myself and how very weak and vulnerable at the same time. I never thought that I could be so disappointed in myself and my life while being so happy with it all at once.I love my husband, my house, my accomplishments, my family and my dog. I do. I have so much to be so thankful for.But have you ever tried to adopt? I never imagined it could be this difficult. We have gone through so much to get to this point in our lives. I will never forget the day that my husband said he wanted to have kids with me. We talked so excitedly and planned and dreamed and finally decided it would be smart to wait another 6 months to a year. We wanted to take one last couples vacation together and we wanted to have incredible financial security and stability that so many families do not have. And we wanted to do it all at young ages. later that year we had a little scare.. it was a month before we decided we wanted to start trying for a family and we totally freaked out. for a few hours then decided that it would be the most wonderful gift in the world (it was the week before Christmas this happened). I quickly learned the lingo of the TTC world and learned all I could about how to do it quickly and successfully; the way I tried to get through all of the things in my life.Well; the day before Christmas, the day after, and so many days after that, I took tests. And they were all negative. From my reading, it seemed that our timing was not right so it was a disappointment but not devastating. it wasn't until the next month when we tried and timed and etc etc that it was devastating. I mean we are young and healthy, in love, and ready... what could be wrong? I had already seen a doctor for a pre consult and had been on prenatal vitamins for about a year to prepare my body for the amazing task at hand. we tried again though. And booked some mini vacations.. I seem to let stress get the best of me, so what better way to beat it then to take off for a trip with my husband. We took long trips and short trips, busy ones, spa ones, and boring ones. Over the course of a year to two years, we had become quite the romantic travelers.. or so it would seem; especially the ones planned at the last minute for quick get always! Only my husband and I knew otherwise. they were carefully scheduled; purposeful vacations. they were useless to me unless they were at the right time of my cycle and if we had the to do what we needed to do.And none of them worked. I would come home, stock up on testing supplies and get the same negative results that would send me into terrible crying spells and deep depressions that made it so that I spent most weekends in bed surrounded by tissues and comfort food.years later, I still spend many weekends that way although often have moved to the couch. We since got a puppy who likes to play in the living room and our bedroom VCR stopped working due to over use, so I had to move moping grounds.I once added up all of the money I spent on testing supplies and quickly tried to erase that from my mind as I got up to over a thousand total. Add that to the "vacations" and it is quite depressing. Especially once we were told that we needed to move on to IVF because my body would not ever accept anything but that due to blocked tubes. Well; IVF is uncovered by my insurance. I thought things could not get worse then where we were at then. We needed to come up with twenty thousand dollars to get myself pregnant, which would be a long difficult painful process where I would get incredibly familiar with my new doctors in ways I never thought possible in my worst nightmares.Well, things got worse. Within weeks of finding out my own body's short comings, we found out my husband had one as well that declared "game over" on the spot.We would never be able to have children that are biologically both of ours. Ever. no matter how much money we could come up with, time we could put into it or pain we put our bodies through. It would make no difference.We were matched to what i thought was a wonderful girl who just wanted a start at life with both feet forward and due to a bunch of complicated stuff she couldnt do that with a child. So we had planned to adopt the child using an agency that we thought very much of, as did she.. she said. We talked on the phone often and got closer and closer to the due date with such excitment. We had even planned to go accross the country to go meet her, until we heard that she had questions on who the birthdad was and therefore may not end up placing after all. but then we were assured that there was no chance of any of that worry adn thigns were fine and good to go with the adoption. We htought we were all comfy with things. We're open to so much openess and love to everyone involved in our adoption and we really liked her too as an extention of our family.. or so i thought... but she disapeared with no call or note or explination or anything. We're out more then i can tell you financially, emotionally, etc.To try to make things a little quicker.. moving along, we were rematched rather quickly to a girl due within a week of approaching the adoption agency. She chose us much to our delight for placement, but the day after giving birth, she decided to parent.Now we're just plain waiting. Not sure if I would say waiting to be chosen, to be shown, or to parent.. I mean really, obviously, I'm waiting for all of the above. but one step at a time i've learned... no sense in counting eggs before they have hatched.. quite literaly. I am so tired and sick of waiting. I can't seem to say that enough, but somehow sadly feel it doesnt need to be said here.Okay; well hopefully we'll all ahve good news to share and celebrate. soon.
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