wednesday

Okay; so I can't take it today. A friend of mine is pregnant with her second now and is gaining weight and getting ready for this child to come in the next couple months. She has friends with children and her child has friends. She has a due date and now an induction date. It's a pretty sure thing that she will have a beautiful baby girl soon... like real soon.
And I am jealous. And mad. and again.. jealous. I have been waiting three years now for my first. I can't keep waiting. I had accepted that I wouldn't bear children or be pregnant ever. I fully realize I want to be a mom, since that's forever and it's not the pregnancy that I want or need.
But I am so sick of the waiting and the fall through and the disappointments that I'm facing getting to that point.
I have been looking at embryo adoption lately. I think we may do that some day.. ok. so really, we probably won't but I'm considering it. It is about the only way we can afford to have me pregnant and produce a child. We can't really afford to do IVFwith my eggs. And do I really want to go through all of that? I mean what if that doesn't work either? how will I cope with that? I can't imagine.
And then what.... how do we handle things with the child and with our marriage if the child has my genes but not my husbands.. that would be an odd balance I'm not sure I want to try to figure out. I would hope that he would never resent that and that I would never say anything cruel or act as though the child were anything but both of ours quite equally.. it takes a parent to be a parent.. not s&eggs. And how and when can you explain it to the child.. and wouldn't he or she want to meet the bio parent(s) some day? how the heck does that all work out?
oddly I think it would be easier with a donor everything rather then just half... but what am I most ok with? and does that matter? Not as much as I had always thought.. it matters more that my husband and even more so my future children are ok with everything more then me. But you don't get to redo life. So what do I do now?
I really know that once we adopt and have a child in our arms and our home none of this will matter and I'll have no doubt that I have MY child. but for now... I feel like I have to be doing something. I have to be actively trying to make my dreams come true.. I have never had anything I didn't have to work for and waiting for this most important thing ever... a child... is just mind-blowing. there is nothing I can do to make it happen. It is all out of my hands and from now till six months after a placement finally happens I have to sit on edge. And even then for ever after that.. there are so many worries and what ifs. I get asked so many questions on how we will handle things with the child and the birth family. In my own mind it is all fine, it makes sense, and is even a great thing.. more family is better family in my mind.
As I've been typing I have gotten pulled a way a couple times to care for bob. thank goodness for him.. he is such a great baby for me today. he knows I'm kind of distracted and upset and has been going crazy doing tricks to entertain me.. its just so darn cute. he deserves a child to play with too.
when?