she's here!

Our beautiful baby girl is in my arms!

weekend update

Well it has been another week over with! Yay for that!
This week I had no time during the week to write any posts to put up here; i started a few but just never finished any.
We took bob to another puppy party thursday which was great! He has so much fun there it is so cute to watch and once again he totally wore himself out within minutes of being there!!! It is just alot of excitment for suhc a little guy.. this week the "barkery" had a new doggie beer that they had samples of. It is made of all kinds of healthy things and is good for him unlike the human kind (and certainly there's no alchohol!). He went crazy for it... Bob will share anything with anyone; I have no doubt he'd give me his left leg if i needed it.. but when it came to sharing his beer with the other dogs, he wasn't having it.. he actually "hounded" (har har har...) the "bark-tender" for more beer more then he ever did for more treats!! It was really funny stuff; everyone was pretty entertained by it all! I will have to upload a video I took at the party later to share:) He has so many friends there it's such a fun way to spend thursday nights for all of us. the laughter just keeps going on; it's adorable.

Friday I went to a weight watchers meeting. My first ever. This was a pretty hard thing for me to come to.I cannot believe that i am there and there because i completely need to be there. I used to want to go to get down from 120 pounds. Now... well; i wont share my current wieght. Yet. lol.. maybe once this thing starts working! I am scared. I am scared it won't work; i'm scared it won't work quickly, and I'm scared that should it work I won't know where to stop. To have spent most of my life til now under a hundred pounds and instastant that I still had work to do on it;.. well this is real weird to know that i really truely need to diet for my health and that no one is going to come say "allie, you are going to need some help if you don't put some wieght on." Now they are coming to me saying "allie you need some help taking it off." who'd have thunk? I can't wait to get back to where I was quite honestly. I can tell you my goal weight is 110. I will get there. I hope.

Things with the adoption seem to be going okay. I'm trying so hard not to think about it. Which is just plain an impossible joke. I am just madly in love with the girl we are matched to right now. I really am. I am so happy to follow her lead and do what works for the baby. I am so happy that I may soon be an exhausted drained broke, PROUD and HAPPY momma! I just cannot wait.

Weather is sunny and COLD here today... very very cold. But hopefully it will warm up soon becuase I have plans with a friend outside today with our doggies;) bob has a playdate with his friend a black lab. they are just adorable together and bob would follow the big guy to the deep end of the ocean.. and he kida did last time they hung out! BOb took a plunge into the water-- something the lab could easily do... bob had never ever swam! And he didnt that day either.. he hopped... he lept like a frog (although never touched bottom thank goodness!!!) in such a wierd funny way that scared the pants off his mommy who thought she'd be going in after him!! Today we will try not to let him in the water!!! I had no worry last time that the puppy terified fo the kiddie pool would avoid the water.. who knew what an effect peer pressure could have even on dogs!

Okay; well that's the weekend update for now. I have alot more to share and say but am going to hold my tongue a bit and just focus on the highlights:)

Ugh; Well i have a migraine again.
Stress? Yeah; probably the reason. I swear these things are going to kill me some day.
I just don't know what to do as far as this current situation goes. I LOVE the birthmom and the entire situation is so ideal. I really think it would be such a great set up for everyone involved and that the child will be so very lucky and so very loved. I am just so used to anything that sounds too good to be true being just that.
I think I may call her today again on my own and ask a few more questions. Not easy ones either unfortunatly. Nothing good ever comes easy though.. that much i'm certain on.

In other news. the back yard is a sheet of ice here!! It is the weirdest thing!!! I got to the top of our hill and then had to slide down! it was really silly!!!! It is fun to watch bob slide around out there. Matt rode his bike around yesterday for bob to chase him and it was just the funniest thing! Then we got home though and bob ditched us to play with his friend under the fence... already hit the teenage years where friends are way cooler then mom and dad lol!!! I'm glad that they got that time in though.. turns out his friend's family is on vacation now for the week so he won't get to play:(
Earlier in the day though, bob had the best play date ever... he got to play iwth another frenchie! We went to the feed supply store to try a new food for the little guy and there was a girl that was so excited and asked if we could wait a minute so she can go get her dog, Cesar! They were so cute jumping all over each other and playing in the goofy frenchie style!!! Bob got so excited that when we left he collapsed in the parking lot while i put the bag of food in the car. he just was too tired to stand lol!!!
It was really the cutest thing I've ever seen and we can't wait for another play date!
Tonight we're having dinner with my sister which will be good. It is good to stay busy, but we only like to do stuff with bob.. so this is really great. Looking forward to things and bob just can't wait for the party:)

Well this has been a busy week!
Monday- I wrote a post.. just put it up.
Tuesday- I worked but spent the afternoon on the phone with the adoption agencies. Both the original agency we had a placement through and the referral agency. Things are better with them. I spoke with the actual agency and they were so very nice. I feel much better about them after talking to them and whatnot. I was given a situation to consider and after more thought and some budge on their side financially, we decided to have our profile shown. I am happy. We are compromising on the outstanding payments they want for our first failed match. We were told we owe none of it. They don't believe that that is true. So. Here we are out more money that we don't have. The referral agency was supposed to take care of it and straighten things out but they were only able to have the fee's deferred. Not at all helpful really.
It was good to speak directly to the agency though and we were able to come up with a middle ground that is agreeable to both of us.
Our profile was given to the birthmom Tuesday night and she decided that she would like to talk to us and likely go with us Friday. She did not even look at any other couples profiles.
Wednesday- Valentines day! It snowed big time which was fun. It was so fun to see Bob in the snow. It was a nice cozy V-day for all. It is my favorite little holiday:)
Thursday- We were snowed in still and I had a nice relaxing day at home with Bob. I got to work from home and it was just so nice and quiet and cozy. Thursday night Matt drove Bob and I to a doggie V-day Party that was just a blast. It was so exhausting for bob it was hilarious. He made so many friends and had so much fun playing with a bunch of dogs his size. He wore him self out quick and we went home with plans to return next week. It was just more fun then I can put into words for all of us. just so funny and silly really!
Friday- Well; after what felt like forever, we found out that the birthmom chose us. She wanted us to call Friday night. I told the agency how scared I am to commit to her. I just am so afraid to lose money on this situation. If we lose more money we can't afford to keep trying. We just can't pay BM fees for the better part of a year with out a placement and it is scary to think that that could really happen. The agency insists this seems like a great situation and the birthmom seems committed with her decision but we have heard that before and are scared. They suggested we talk to her and make our decision after that. We tried to call but her phone wasn't working and I had a migraine so no call in the end.

Today we were able to talk to the birthmom, I'll call LT. She was incredible. She was just so nice and such a great person. I think she is just amazing. I can't wait to get to know her further.

The call went well. Too well.. M wants to say "no" to the situation all together now actually it went so well. It was almost like it was scripted how good things went. She did not tell her family. She doesn't want them to talk her out of it. She graduates college this spring. She's engaged to a guy that is not the baby's PBD (how they know that though I'm not sure actually.. as I'm typing that seems like something that could be answered, but really.. also seems like something that later could be something I'll look back on as a big flag that screams Lies..) She said she was recently looking online and saw all kinds of reasons couples cannot have children and wanted to help a couple like that some day. Like it is something she wanted to do as volunteer work at some point in her life.. Which is nice and I thank God there are people who think that, but.... is this for real? Just being the typical negative nelly from the northeast... sounds unreal. I'm so scared. We are going to take a few days to decide officially what to do we told the agency. I don't believe there is a cap on what we can spend on her expenses but I will have to double check. We can expect from our past experience that it is about 1200 a month in expenses we can plan for. This PBM knows that we've had failed matches and said she can't imagine how hard that would be for us. I hope that anyone with half a conscience would walk away before scamming us again. But who knows. M is concerned that she was given our profile then told the agency she did not want or need to see any others. She just chose us and that was that. I don't know. I mean eventually we have to trust someone and hope things happen. I just don't know. I wish there was some magic answer to how things will turn out. Unfortunately her due date is pushed out to 3.15 now so we'd be liable for a solid month's worth of fees at minimum if she places or not. I feel so ready to trust her. I want to go down now and hug her so tight. M wants to say no and avoid another scam and heartache, and I feel like we're walking into a trap again. But I think that I will feel that every time now really. so that's our update:(
I'm just so scared. I want to run over and jump up and down with happy tears. We got to see sonogram pictures and I"m beside myself with happy. I can't believe we could have a little girl soon!! I just can't believe it!!! But I can't let myself believe that it will really happen either.
So. that's where things stand.
Why does this have to be so darn hard?? I just don't understand it!

waiting

well; we were not chosen. We found out that a birth mom chose someone else. I know that this probably isn't the first one that has chosen someone else over us, but it's the first we know of really.. all the others chose us.. but then chose not to place. It is just getting so crazy.. I mean will we ever become parents?? I cannot imagine doing this again every time we are ready for another child.. this will certainly deter us from a large family!!!
Hopefully we are going to be shown to another birth mom again soon. There are two others that are kind of in the picture as options but not real strong ones. I really don't see either of them placing in the end.
I got a lead from a friend of the family to call too.. But I'm just dragging my feet stupidly. I feel like at this point none of this will result in a placement so why bother.. I know that's a terrible attitude.. but I just feel like realistically, the chance of anyone having a lead that will come to anything is impossible. Friends and family just don't really understand how the process works and just how draining it is on the mind and wallet... I mean they know it is hard on both, but have no idea that it is hard to the point of impossibility!!!
Okay; I am going to try to make the call now actually. Not sure if she or he will be home even right now but I've been waiting a week now.. who knows.. maybe this will be the one??
I just hope whatever happens happens quickly. I cannot believe that we're nearing spring already and still no baby.. no closer to one the we had been this time last year even. I just can't stand that.

Ok; Line is busy.
I will have to try again later.
On a happier note we had a great weekend with our puppy. We had lots of play time with him and spoiled him rotten with specialty treats. He is always spoiled but this weekend was really something else! He is so cute and so deserving. He has been so good all weekend and today he's been beyond good and special. I hate that tomorrow he'll be home alone all day. He just hates to be alone.. he's so cute and friendly:)
okay; I'm going to call back again and then get ready to take him for a walk:)
allie

sunday

So i am not as good at making regular posts here as I had hoped I would be.. i guess it's to be expected though.. I'm getting lazy!!!
Anyhow! It is Sunday.. which means work week starts in just hours. yuck. I need a few weeks off so badly.. who doesnt though huh? I have so much house work to be doing but feel like all I really can and want and ned to do is to just soak up as much R&R as I can lately. And you know what, I am lucky. I have a husband that agrees with me. I have had the nicest weekend once again. Between spending time with him and my family and neighbors and my cute cute dog, things are good. We have been able to focus on this being Bob's birthday weekned so it was nice to have a purpose to the weekend.. a fun happy exciting one. I wish we had more puppies to celebrate birthdays for lol.. it has just brought a nice celebratory feeling to the house .. something we have been waiting for for so darn long now. Its two years ago this time of year that i really thought I would be bringing home a cake for my husband to celebrate. It was going to say "congratulations dad" and that was how i wanted to tell him we are pregnant. It was going to be from coldstone creamery, his favorite. I had been saving coupons for them every week and month. I can't beleive i still have no cake and no baby.
Nothing new to report here. It has been a long long week really. I was waiting so excitedly for our open house at DCF and then the day came and I got sick to my stomach. I threw up right up til it was time to go. Halfway through the meeting i felt totally better.. stress? Probably.
THings were great there. I love the people we met there and think so much of the system now that I heard them speak. SUch a caring and loving operation with their number one focus on buliding families for children. I am so happy and impressed.
But still waiting.
Nothing from the private agencies still. Go figure. I am so unimpressed and sad there. It just feels like more and more they are doing less and less. I have no idea what to say or do on that front. I just don't. I really still hope and pray for them to do right by us so that once i have a placement be it through them or through DCF i can sit back and smile. Rather than have to look into filing complaints with the BBB and lawyers. I hope that in the end i am proven wrong and the private agencies do give us the family that we so want (and have worked hard for and have put so much time tears and money into).
I wish we could look into forien adoption. More and more that looks like just what we want and need. Unfortunatly because the agency in TX will not refund the money we paid them, we just can't afford to do that. How does God expect us to be able to find a child for us and bring one into our homes with these circumstances? I just cannot understand it. We have a warm and loving home and family here waiting. There are children out there waiting for just that. But becuase we have only limited funds.. which are.. ok WERE actually pretty large, we can't do that. I just dont understand. I mean we have about twenty thousand tied up in this one agency now and we're stuck!!! What are we supposed to do?! It is just so unfair. to us and to our some day child. For so many reasons. I am so frustrated.
Okay; I am done complaining about this same subject over and over.
Thank goodness for the little guy snoring at my feet right now.
He has had such a fun day. He rested up all morning and then had his friend over for some birthday treats before they went for a walk and then did some playing in the yard. He is exhausted now!!! it is so darn cute; Bob is 20 pounds, and his buddy is like 150 pounds.. and neither of htem seems to notice that lol.. it is so cute to see them playing and he's so lucky to have such a patient buddy to play with.. Bob is a very lucky little boy:)
Okay; I'm going to do some laundry now.. fun never ends for either of us lol:)
allie

mixed emotions..

Well! I am getting very excited. I have done the very best I can to put the nerves and frustration away that came last week from our adoption debacle.. that's kind of what this has become...
Thursday we go to an open house at our state's department of children and families! I'm so excited to meet the people there and learn more about adopting through the state. I know that this won't be easy or lacking in stress but it has to be better then sitting around just waiting right?.. I hope???
We were told about two possible situations yesterday, neither of which feels quite right. I am certainly gun-shy after our first "match" and failure and all the money and heartache lost. I'm scared to death to trust that agency (or anyone for that matter) anymore. I just don't know what is right anymore and have lost faith in the good in people... something I'd only recently thought was a real thing anyhow... now I feel like I was right all along to not trust..
So who knows.. I won't get into the details of the situations yet since you never know how they turn out clearly, but one of them I am not sure the PBM is really ready to place and I don't want her to have regrets ever so she needs to decide.. and the baby is already four months old. I'm not sure what to say on that. Sounds fine but at the same time by the time this is all set should she decide to place, the child will be about the same age as any we could get from a foreign adoption which I have to think would have been more cut and dry then this trip's been for us. We chose domestic to experience every last second of our first child.
The other situation makes me uncomfortable. I feel like the agency may be looking for more money from us on this one then is really truly needed and I'm over sensitive to that right now. And rightfully so (in everyone's opinion but our agency and referral agency..). I am sad that this will look like us turning down a possible placement because the baby is full AA in race, but that's not the case. It is just discomfort with the entire situation at this time. We are open to full AA children, but I think we will only do it through our state's program now that we are looking to work with them. It is almost certain we will get a placement that way with some patience and with no further expenses incurred.. so I'll hold off.
On a lighter note, my four legged baby turns one this Friday!!! I cannot believe he is one year already!!!! He has matured so much in the last year it is incredible but at the same time he has such a baby like love-ability (lol.. sorry.. I tend to make up words when needed...) that I just want to keep him tucked under my arm or snoring in my lap at all times! So I'll be making him an extra batch of ice cream for sure this weekend and maybe looking up cake recipes too.. or going to the gourmet dog bakery near us to see what they have.. oh so many choices!!! I just gave him a ton of new toys last weekend so there is nothing he really needs... hmmm... oh well.. a little something to celebrate is just what we need!! He is really the light of our life and I want to be sure he knows how much we appreciate and adore him!!!!
Okay, I know I sound absurd lol... but I just cannot help it.. he is so special in ways I'm not really convinced that all dogs are... although he's my first dog so maybe they are? My husband has had a few growing up and swears that this one is like no other he's ever had.. the love and understanding passed between us and him is just so special.
Okay... that's it for now:)
allie

Well the weekend is getting better. Yesterday i was just beyond angry most of the day but we did go shopping.. i love going to tjmaxx's home goods section this time of year to stock up on heart stuff.. I love hearts..just never grew out of that lol!!
After that we went to starbucks where they currently are serving up my favorite drink.. cinnamon dulce latte's.. YUM. I had a nice night in with my husband too after that.:)
the adoption front is looking bleak at best but yet i feel more hopeful in an odd way then i have in a while at the same time now that we're going to start working with DCF as well. i am so eager to learn about adoption stuff everywhere and anywhere I can!

no big football plans for this weekend for us. thankfully we don't care about it in this house and we always watch a bunch of movies. we saw one last night and have another ready for tonight. Niether of us are in the mood to party or be in a social setting right now. things just keep getting worse with the referal agency and the emails are getting nastier. i've stopped responding because i just am not into bickering. gets you no where and has no place in a professional setting which this should be. so sick of life throwing us curves and tricky things... i hope it ends soon. i cant help but feel like i have to bend over and be nice or i'll ruin my ability to adopt now or ever.. but at the same time I will never go down with out a fight and we will do foriegn or embryo adoption before i compromise what i think is right. I am still hopefull that the agency will take this as a chance to turn things around and make right with us; i really do. I want to recomend them to others.. i want a happy ending.. but i'm afraid that may not happen with the latest correspondance. i wish i could post it here.. you girls would be sick and mad. Which i was yesterday.. i had such a migraine and felt so lousy from stress until i finally decided at about 8pm to just shut it off and not to let another miserable person try to rain on my parade lol! Crazy how these things go huh? Well, here's to hoping for a miraculous turn around.. little miss pessimist (me) has really turned into the unrealistic optimist in the last several months..

what's next?

We're having major issues now.. I swear this has been a total rollar coaster of a ride emotionally. Yesterday i was so happy and optimistic. Then we got a call from the billing part of the agency our first failed match was through looking for more money. They want the living expenses from the time that we knew that the birthmom may not place with us on. We'd been told that if she didnt place then we would not owe.. well.. she didnt place clearly. And they want the money. I am just so frustrated and feel like now when i need it most my support systems are all gone. We went out of our way to ensure taht we would not get scammed or needlessly lose money and i can't help but feel like we lost alot of money quite needlessly and we have a big bill hanging over us still. I keep being told to just wait and not worry about it but two months later I am worried about it. we just don't operate that way because that is not the right thing to do. when we owe people we pay them.. and now they say we owe, but we do not and therefore aren't paying. I am not getting any signs of caring for me as a person who is just sad hurt and upset by all of this from my referal agency or the adoption agency itself. That really hurts when we have tried so hard to really do right by everyone and be model adoptive parents. I mean, this is how I'm going to have a baby.. i want it to be special. ANd right now it's doing nothing but making my heart ache more than it already has. which i totally didnt think was possible after infertility and two failed matches. Now i feel like i have lost friends over it too but i guess maybe I was wrong in who are friends and who are business associates? ugh. I just don't know what to do right now and am so heartbroken and stressed. to top it all off our home computers are not connecting to the internet and i'm working at the office today when i should be working from home today where i could at least cry freely. I am going to copy this post over to my blog for today i think (that site is blocked here at work so i can't write to it from work). hopefully by the time i get to doing that copy over I'll have some better news to add but right now i can't say much more than just a very sad face. i am just really upset that i'm trying so hard to be a good person and do right and i feel like such a faillure in all of it. I feel like i should have never signed with any private entities for adopting and ashamed taht i'm contributing to the money making business that "making famiies" has become in some cases. i'm releived it is the weekend because i need some time to make peace with all of this. sorry.. i feel like i'm always complaining here... and today it's not so much as a complaint but a release. I haven't always been a really nice or caring person. I mean i never really did anything out right wrong or cruel or mean, but over the last couple years I've been actively trying to be more caring and considerate and put alot of value and energy into friends and family and really building good relationships with everyone i possibly can. I do more volunteer work and am more religious. I try to be the person I want my children to admire and aspire to be. I try to treat everyone the way i want my baby to be treated through otu life. And i've been happy with the way karma's treated me.. til today. now i am just plain sad at how the world's working with me.. or rather how it's not working with me.

thursday

new hope today!
I took the day off which is great. i had put in for the time off and figured I would just go to work if i felt up to it. Well, I don't feel up to it and with the way the week had been going at work this past week I knew I wouldnt feel up to it.... So.. i am going to the SPA!! Yay! There is a new one that opened in town and it looks nice from the outside so we'll see how it goes today inside.. i cannot wait. relaxing sounds so good; i wish i didnt have to pay to do it though lol!!! I can't seem to find a better way yet though.
Oh well..
The more exciting news is that we are going to finally start doing something to make our parenting dream come true! I am happy about that! We are going to start to take classes through the state's adoption/foster care program. When we're done with the classes we will terminate our license with the private agency we went through. What a total waste of money and time that was huh? We have done so much wrong in this processs.. i mean really we did everything right and then some but in the end it could all have been for absolutely nothing. OUr baby coudl be in the state right now just waiting.. who knows. SO this way we will be able to accept any placement there is and even do foster care!
It's alot to swallow and madening to think about in terms of time and money wasted but I guess that needs to all be forgotten... which i'm happy to do since it means happiness could be right around the corner for us!
ok. well off to get ready!

wednesday

Okay; so I can't take it today. A friend of mine is pregnant with her second now and is gaining weight and getting ready for this child to come in the next couple months. She has friends with children and her child has friends. She has a due date and now an induction date. It's a pretty sure thing that she will have a beautiful baby girl soon... like real soon.
And I am jealous. And mad. and again.. jealous. I have been waiting three years now for my first. I can't keep waiting. I had accepted that I wouldn't bear children or be pregnant ever. I fully realize I want to be a mom, since that's forever and it's not the pregnancy that I want or need.
But I am so sick of the waiting and the fall through and the disappointments that I'm facing getting to that point.
I have been looking at embryo adoption lately. I think we may do that some day.. ok. so really, we probably won't but I'm considering it. It is about the only way we can afford to have me pregnant and produce a child. We can't really afford to do IVFwith my eggs. And do I really want to go through all of that? I mean what if that doesn't work either? how will I cope with that? I can't imagine.
And then what.... how do we handle things with the child and with our marriage if the child has my genes but not my husbands.. that would be an odd balance I'm not sure I want to try to figure out. I would hope that he would never resent that and that I would never say anything cruel or act as though the child were anything but both of ours quite equally.. it takes a parent to be a parent.. not s&eggs. And how and when can you explain it to the child.. and wouldn't he or she want to meet the bio parent(s) some day? how the heck does that all work out?
oddly I think it would be easier with a donor everything rather then just half... but what am I most ok with? and does that matter? Not as much as I had always thought.. it matters more that my husband and even more so my future children are ok with everything more then me. But you don't get to redo life. So what do I do now?
I really know that once we adopt and have a child in our arms and our home none of this will matter and I'll have no doubt that I have MY child. but for now... I feel like I have to be doing something. I have to be actively trying to make my dreams come true.. I have never had anything I didn't have to work for and waiting for this most important thing ever... a child... is just mind-blowing. there is nothing I can do to make it happen. It is all out of my hands and from now till six months after a placement finally happens I have to sit on edge. And even then for ever after that.. there are so many worries and what ifs. I get asked so many questions on how we will handle things with the child and the birth family. In my own mind it is all fine, it makes sense, and is even a great thing.. more family is better family in my mind.
As I've been typing I have gotten pulled a way a couple times to care for bob. thank goodness for him.. he is such a great baby for me today. he knows I'm kind of distracted and upset and has been going crazy doing tricks to entertain me.. its just so darn cute. he deserves a child to play with too.
when?

a new week a new living room a new hair cut and some new hope

well. Last weekend was really hard. Last year was really hard actually...

But things are getting better. I mean really.. they have to huh?

My amazing husband just finished remodeling our living room... or actually almost finished.. there are just the decorative touches left to be done and he is amazing at that stuff.

I"m so happy with my new living room... we have couches and a nice rug and nice bright white toned walls.. so much nicer. And we need it!!! We have so much waiting to do and it is great to finally be able to do that comfortably!!

Last sunday night we sat down after a tough weekend.. M from working on the living room nonstop and me from sitting around in tears just depressed that I truely felt like I had no reason to get up or do anything at all since i had no baby relying on me to do .. well, anything! M, being the amazing guy he is, suggested that we start living again. Lets start doing things we CAN do because we don't have children relying on us. Things like go to NYC for a day or a weekend. Things like get massages or other spa stuff that we won't later be able to justify the time or the cost of doing! I don't want to do these things. I want to be a mom. I want to stay home and stare at my child day and night nonstop. But I don't have a child. We do have a dog though. An amazing dog who seems to think he's a child himself:) Thank goodness for him... although if it were not for him we would probably take off for Bermuda. Oh well.... worse things in life then staying home with a puppy that loves you more than life itself. And we love him that much too!!!

Anyhow.. this week we did it! We went for massages together and then for pizza dinner out and it was wonderful! WHile I was laying there getting my massage, i realized that I like massages lol! And I like relaxing. I decided that I would get my nails done soon too. I got my hair cut and colored the next day and my nails done the day after that.. i actually feel pretty again and it is wonderful!!!

I'm starting to feel more myself again. And I've missed that.

Also, I have to say I can't take credit for all of this. It may be because I feel better and look better.. but we also have applied to be viewed by another birthmom. That is so exciting. I really don't feel very much like she is going to chose us. And if she does.. i doubt it will happen. She will most likely end up parenting, just like our last two matches. From what i have read and been told this young lady is really just quite amazing. We would just be so lucky to be matched with her. She wants visits with the child through out her (yes.. a baby girl!!) life though. I am actually honest to goodness okay with that. It would be great.. the more support and love my child gets the better in my book. But I'm afraid that she will worry about the fact that she lives in a state that we do not live in.

Visits are surely still possible but until i get to know her and know how much we can afford to spend on travel, i just can't garuntee how much. I have a feeling once we've met I will want to see her every month though.. just a feeling..

who knows. We haven't heard yet though if she has chosen us. And i think if she had chosen us that we would have heard from someone this weekend. So I"m kind of sad. to say the very least...

but til i get that 'no' i'm still so hopefull.. and rambling.

Okay, i"m going to relax and have some coffee now.. I thought i'd have written more by now but just didnt know where to start.. i guess i'll skip the past and just go forward from here on this blog.

more later!

where to start? what a mess.

Well; we TTC for at least a year the old fashioned way, with help from all kinds of sticks to pee on, books to read, and sites to obsess over.. oh and temps to take and so many other things i"ve blocked from my memory.After a year and change we went back to our doc's who had told us not to worry adn keep trying.. this time they did some preliminary testing. Long story short, we first found that DH could have a sperm count problem and that my tubes are blocked. No idea why, but not fixable. But given our age and science, we'd be great prospects for IVF with ICSI if needed. So we were devistated. We couldnt afford it and were saddedned that we wouldn't have a romantic and happy memory of conception. It would be expensive, painful and highly medical. Yuck. We thought thigns couldn't get worse. Well; I got my wish. A month or more later we walked away from the last of the doctors appoitnments for our fertility. We found out that DH produces no sperm whatsoever. So we could do donor routes but they too would be pricey and painful and whatnot due to my own fertility issues.We didnt waste a second on even considering that at that point and said good bye to doctors. We contacted catholic charities and were home study approved by the end of this past summer. My husband and I had always wanted to adopt a child.. but figured we would have two bio children then adopt a third later on. We had no idea what actually went into any of that thouhg.. clearly, and luckily too i guess because i would have been pretty put off by it all if i had any idea what kind of business the adoption world is, when we really were just looking to do good and have a large happy family. (yeah.. three children is large to me lol...)... anyhow... Here's a start at a "diary" of sorts I have began..Well; we have now survived two failed matches. I cannot believe how strong I've found myself and how very weak and vulnerable at the same time. I never thought that I could be so disappointed in myself and my life while being so happy with it all at once.I love my husband, my house, my accomplishments, my family and my dog. I do. I have so much to be so thankful for.But have you ever tried to adopt? I never imagined it could be this difficult. We have gone through so much to get to this point in our lives. I will never forget the day that my husband said he wanted to have kids with me. We talked so excitedly and planned and dreamed and finally decided it would be smart to wait another 6 months to a year. We wanted to take one last couples vacation together and we wanted to have incredible financial security and stability that so many families do not have. And we wanted to do it all at young ages. later that year we had a little scare.. it was a month before we decided we wanted to start trying for a family and we totally freaked out. for a few hours then decided that it would be the most wonderful gift in the world (it was the week before Christmas this happened). I quickly learned the lingo of the TTC world and learned all I could about how to do it quickly and successfully; the way I tried to get through all of the things in my life.Well; the day before Christmas, the day after, and so many days after that, I took tests. And they were all negative. From my reading, it seemed that our timing was not right so it was a disappointment but not devastating. it wasn't until the next month when we tried and timed and etc etc that it was devastating. I mean we are young and healthy, in love, and ready... what could be wrong? I had already seen a doctor for a pre consult and had been on prenatal vitamins for about a year to prepare my body for the amazing task at hand. we tried again though. And booked some mini vacations.. I seem to let stress get the best of me, so what better way to beat it then to take off for a trip with my husband. We took long trips and short trips, busy ones, spa ones, and boring ones. Over the course of a year to two years, we had become quite the romantic travelers.. or so it would seem; especially the ones planned at the last minute for quick get always! Only my husband and I knew otherwise. they were carefully scheduled; purposeful vacations. they were useless to me unless they were at the right time of my cycle and if we had the to do what we needed to do.And none of them worked. I would come home, stock up on testing supplies and get the same negative results that would send me into terrible crying spells and deep depressions that made it so that I spent most weekends in bed surrounded by tissues and comfort food.years later, I still spend many weekends that way although often have moved to the couch. We since got a puppy who likes to play in the living room and our bedroom VCR stopped working due to over use, so I had to move moping grounds.I once added up all of the money I spent on testing supplies and quickly tried to erase that from my mind as I got up to over a thousand total. Add that to the "vacations" and it is quite depressing. Especially once we were told that we needed to move on to IVF because my body would not ever accept anything but that due to blocked tubes. Well; IVF is uncovered by my insurance. I thought things could not get worse then where we were at then. We needed to come up with twenty thousand dollars to get myself pregnant, which would be a long difficult painful process where I would get incredibly familiar with my new doctors in ways I never thought possible in my worst nightmares.Well, things got worse. Within weeks of finding out my own body's short comings, we found out my husband had one as well that declared "game over" on the spot.We would never be able to have children that are biologically both of ours. Ever. no matter how much money we could come up with, time we could put into it or pain we put our bodies through. It would make no difference.We were matched to what i thought was a wonderful girl who just wanted a start at life with both feet forward and due to a bunch of complicated stuff she couldnt do that with a child. So we had planned to adopt the child using an agency that we thought very much of, as did she.. she said. We talked on the phone often and got closer and closer to the due date with such excitment. We had even planned to go accross the country to go meet her, until we heard that she had questions on who the birthdad was and therefore may not end up placing after all. but then we were assured that there was no chance of any of that worry adn thigns were fine and good to go with the adoption. We htought we were all comfy with things. We're open to so much openess and love to everyone involved in our adoption and we really liked her too as an extention of our family.. or so i thought... but she disapeared with no call or note or explination or anything. We're out more then i can tell you financially, emotionally, etc.To try to make things a little quicker.. moving along, we were rematched rather quickly to a girl due within a week of approaching the adoption agency. She chose us much to our delight for placement, but the day after giving birth, she decided to parent.Now we're just plain waiting. Not sure if I would say waiting to be chosen, to be shown, or to parent.. I mean really, obviously, I'm waiting for all of the above. but one step at a time i've learned... no sense in counting eggs before they have hatched.. quite literaly. I am so tired and sick of waiting. I can't seem to say that enough, but somehow sadly feel it doesnt need to be said here.Okay; well hopefully we'll all ahve good news to share and celebrate. soon.
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